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Bastard Santa Replies to Children's Letters
Copyright 2006 John M. Hanevy, All Rights Reserved

Dear Santa,
Please bring me a pony for Christmas this year.
I have been very good.
Mary

Dear Mary,
Will you SHUT UP about the damn pony!
I've been watching you, you little brat!
You're lucky I'm not giving you coal this year!
And tell your Mom I want FRESH cookies this time,
or you can forget about getting anything!
Santa
*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Can you please bring me a baby brother this year?
Tommy

Dear Tommy,
Send me a naked picture of your Mom, I'll let you know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I didn't get my train set last year,what happened?
Joey

Dear Joey,
Sorry, sh-- happens, you know? Ask the damn elves, not me!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
How have you been? How is Mrs. Claus? Have the elves
been busy there at the North Pole?
How are the reindeer? Are they feeling okay?
We have had lots of snow! We can't wait until you come!
For Christmas, please leave some toys and clothes for my
family. I will hide some carrots and cookies for you
and the reindeer to find! I would love to get a new
guitar. My teacher plays the guitar and I want to play
one too. If I take it with me to Indiana, my cousin Timmy will
teach me how to play it. I would also like to get
a toy reindeer. Thank you Santa. Fly safely!
love,
Abby

Dear Abby,
I'm getting a hernia from moving all these bags of letters
from you damn kids---other than that I'm doing fine.
I don't talk to the elves anymore, they ticked me off once too often!
Everything is done by email now.
Mrs. Claus has been a real b--ch lately, hormones acting up
again. Wish to hell she'd just take a pill or something,
real pain in the a--! Don't bother with the carrots, they
give the reindeer the runs, not good when you're sitting
behind them and flying through the air, I think you get the
picture. I don't know why you want a toy reindeer? Hell,
I'll give you Rudolph, he's getting to be a bit of a priss
lately. Ever since they wrote that damn song about him he
thinks he's the greatest reindeer in the world. I'll see
what I can do about getting you a guitar, but I wouldn't
count on Timmy being able to teach you how to play,he
doesn't strike me as being too bright.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Where do you get your food from for your reindeer?
Nancy

Dear Nancy,
I steal it from the homeless shelters.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I hope you have a Merry Christmas, I love to sing songs for
you but I can't. I really love you Santa,
I remember we took our picture together.
Love,
Alexis

Dear Alexis,
Are you the one that "wet" Santa's lap? I remember you too.
Santa
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